How Hot Are Your Fingertips? The Odd Reductio Of Grip Strength And Mortality

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Ok, so awhile ago I met this doctor, let’s call him, “Mr. Green Jeans”.

And Mister Green Jeans is telling me about this research he and his lab full of techs did on a bunch of subjects.

He starts kicking out all these different variables, and the names and descriptions of these hissing, wheezing, steam-belching, measuring contraptical-rubegoldbergianists,

That were clearly the product of either Jules Verne, H.P. Lovecraft, Dr. Strangelove or a 19th-century Pornographic-Phrenologist.

And then he said something even more interesting as he began to peel away the watchworks.

He said the funny thing was, for all of this exotic dervish of transmogrification, there surfaced a very simple and cheap indicator which turned out to be So Rock-Solid-Correlated with the results,

–Like a leech to a swimmer, a remora to a shark, a small woodland creature’s teeth to the backside of Kenny Rogers*, an STD to Lindsay Lohan,

Etc.; whatever; -you get it;

–[so rock-solid-correlated with the results] That his team was able to chuck out every single other measure & device except this one small, simple, cheap utility, and make their testing lives MUCH easier.

So, back to the tornado of gnats facing anyone who wants to draw a more crafty, smarter-than-the-average-bear relationship between variae and the risk of dying untimely.

Well the team at the enormously-named “MRC Unit for Lifelong Health and, […], […], God Save The Queen, […] University College London” has effectively pulled a Mister Green Jeans.

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Their research shows that not only an oddity like Grip Strength is a better indicator of Longevity than most of what they studied,

By almost 200%,

But also that something like [yes, we damn-well tricked you in the headline!!! :P ] Walking Speed is even better,

By almost 300%.

Now they didn’t say if all the mortality they studied was due simply to falls, or some product of cardio health,

But they Did hint that the next phase of work would be to see if, in a Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Style Reverse Loop, they could operate externally on the indicators as people age and see if those improvements, even if enacted late, increase longevity.

So; we’ll see what the next steps turn into. Who knows, maybe Captain Kangaroo has the answer…

*[I mean, why else would his eyes look like that unless he’s trying to smile through the pain?]

JUMP BONUS!: See what I mean?