As Stupid As Nascar Cartman:
Every once in awhile, a health news story comes out that is truly inspirational.
Not since Eric Cartman drinking Vagisil in his bid to qualify as a Nascar driver, has something so majestic gone public.
And though in the small “Fail-Army” part of HT there is probably none that will exceed the caution against mixing grenades & sledgehammers.
-Which to be fair, for the rational-minded among you is pretty much the same equation as career blackmail+ impossible sales goals…
When Li’l Wayne’s Purple Drank Just Isn’t Strong Enough:
So a little while ago, America’s favorite big bank was caught & punished for some shady stuff that was institutionalized to a broad degree.
-To the tune of at-least 2 Million fake accounts as far back as 2005.
And with the revelations about threatening workers with career-ending dismissals, we found a high-profile case concerning a mind-boggling pastime.
Drinking Hand Sanitizer.
Yes, Drinking Hand Sanitizer Is Actually A [10+ Year Old] Thing:
As crazy as it sounds it’s actually a thing, it dates back about 10 years to New Zealand, and was also the subject of a listicle on BuzzFeed in 2012.
Though many sources would suggest it’s concentrated in Alaska, Texas, New Mexico, & California, according to at least one poison-control official the practice is everywhere.
And even though less than 10% of last year’s 20,000(+/-) reported toxic exposures were deliberate, it’s possible the real number was much higher. The ones that were reported might only be where there was a hospital-grade poisoning.
Amateur Chemistry + Human Guinea Pig = You’re Gonna Have A Bad Time:
Of course the big problem comes from our old nemesis: Amateur Chemistry.
And while here at HT we might engage in the occasional “Human Guinea Pig” trial of a silly supplement, nothing like Ingesting Freakin’ Cleaning Products is ever tried. -We’re not that dumb.
What’s more, there are all kinds of odd & potentially gut-shredding ingredients in the sanitizer; even in the spirit part.
-Like “drinkable” alcohol that’s been replaced with Rubbing Alcohol.
Want A REALLY Strong Drink? Be Careful What You Wish For:
Which will get you drunk 2.5x faster on an equivalently lower dose,
And also do more damage to your Brain, Nervous System, Liver & possibly Kidneys as it takes much longer to work out of your system;
-with nastier by-products on the way out.
Not only that, but if a determined wino can stomach the strange taste & ingredients of modern “Sterno-Squeezins”, even a sanitizer with the “drinkable” kind of alcohol in it will be 50+% stronger than the stuff out of a bottle.
YOLO-Absinthism In A Post Four-Loko World:
-And now we’ve arrived at the modern equivalent of “Absinthism”. Because the circumstances were about the same.
People in a tight spot of one type or another turning to a powerful substance & misusing it, or even to an outright dangerous one and not caring.
The original Absinthe actually never had high concentrations of hallucinogens & has been mass-spectrometer verified as such.
But what it Did have was an excess of alcohol.
The Strange Similarities Of Bathtub Absinthe & Hand Sanitizer:
-Right around the same mark as that of the non-rubbing-alcohol hand sanitizer.
Couple that with pre-FDA unscrupulous producers putting dangerous non-potable spirits & chemicals in to make cheap versions for less-affluent consumers who,
-you guessed it, just wanted to get hammered for cheap and they didn’t care how.
Not A Craze Yet, But Still Increasing 300%+:
Though to be fair Purell abuse probably won’t reach the allegedly “epidemic” proportions of the Absinthe “craze” back in late 19th century Paris,
but it is increasing as much as 300-400 percent since about 2009 in some regions.
Thankfully, or not so thankfully, among only what seems to be the youth who can’t yet legally buy alcohol.
-But there’s your reporting-problem again. Usage is likely far-underreported, and adult devotees like Wells Fargo’s Angie Payden are usually more “professional” about these things.
Already Some Deaths & [Reported] Close-Calls:
And to that end, at least two adults have officially died from this so far.
-Including an Almost! in (where else?) Australia. -Where a man once drank 6 bottles and survived.
But that was Down Under, so it was already considered cowardly to drink less than a 24-pack over the course of an afternoon.
And as a result, -a fight broke out. Because:Australia.
The Return Of “Stupid Health Tricks”, 100-Meter Olympic Stunt-Alcoholism:
So, we haven’t had an entry in this category here for awhile, but this slightly-more-recent “Modern Sterno” gets the Oscar for HT’s newest Stupid Health Trick.
If you take something that was meant to be a cleaning product and ingest it, you’re gonna have a bad time.
It would honestly be more funny if it weren’t so sad. -Especially considering what everything else besides the alcohol does to you…
-And if you thought DHMO was dangerous… Hey y’all! Watch This!
I guess that ban on Four Loko really didn’t help much.
Oh well, check out the details at the Links:
Poster “Absinthe Parisienne”, by Pierre Henri Gélis-Didot & Louis Malteste
Screen Shot of Eric Cartman from South Park, Episode 1408, “Poor And Stupid”, by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Anne Garefino, Celluoid Studios, Braniff Productions, & South Park Digital Studios, LLC
• Source: USNews
• More Coverage: NYT | HT-You Thought Four Loko Was Bad? What About Powdered Alcohol?