Here, Stephen Colbert takes an in-depth look into the questions that drive real genetic research, like:

“Why am I ugly?”, “Who’s my baby-daddy?”,

“Can DNA help me have a successful long-term career as an alcoholic using stem-cell-generated liver-transplants every few years?”,

And terrible tractor-trailer jackknifing accidents in the quad-cities area of Iowa.

Actual Doctors like Spencer Wells and Gene-Sequencing-Badass Craig Venter try to help clear up Stephen’s confusion later on after the jump…