As a bitter salve to help those of you who’ve skipped the Asparagus and are saddled with abjectly-Dickensian hangovers in the timesmudge loosely referred-to as “today”, I’d like to rub a little salt in your wounds and make it all go away.
Now the nickname could have gone one of many ways: ‘Dict, Shooter, Dragonbreath, Substance, Bender, or Sniffles.
(Cockroach has been reserved for Keith Richards for
DECADES Centuries, now.)
But ultimately, it seemed prudent to just go with the obvious old stand-by.
Anyway: That’s right boys and girls. It turns out The Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne himself, is a Mutant.
A very special kind of mutant. -One that survives where John Bonham, Jani Lane, Andy Gibb, Jimi Hendrix and, Cthulhu forgive me, even the mighty Keith Moon have not.
[Momma-Cass does not count, because NObody is immune to a Ham Sandwich]
So: It turns out that Ozzy has genetic mutations that permit him to do obscene quantities of drugs and by that I mean: All Of The Drugs, simultaneously if-necessary,
and still survive; decades later.
Weirdly, the only evil he’s supposed to be vulnerable to is Record Executives.
-Ok, that and Alcohol. He is allegedly six times more likely to become an alcoholic than the average person.
-Except in true Ozzy style, he just bit off Alcohol’s head, showed it who’s boss and that was pretty much that.
*Because after the experts at Dr. Xavier’s School were finished sequencing his genome for the betterment of Mankind, they found he also has mutations in the very genes that control the metabolism of that Ozzy-Kryptonite, making him many times better at defeating it than you, me, or you-know: mortals.
-hence his ability to drink several bottles of cognac a day for many years.
He’s also the guy who nonchalantly brushed off heroin, because it just made him too nauseous.
In addition to also being part-Neanderthal, his official X-Man powers include making the aforementioned freight-car-derailment appear out of nowhere any time to run right-the-hell over his enemies, and he can also destroy anything, living or dead, in the universe by drinking it, snorting it, smoking it, or just laughing maniacally at it.
-Jean Grey, Magneto, and Apocalypse included.
While science has at-least partially caught up to Ozzy, Keith is reportedly still at-large with a co-conspirator matching the description of Mick Fleetwood. Rumor has it, ‘Cockroach’ and ‘Gramps’ are currently trying to freebase Afghanistan.
Now go over and check out the rest of the other 4 Medical Mutants at Cracked.com, including Really-Really-Really-Ridiculously-Good-Looking JFK himself, Codename:”Blue Steel”.
PS: The next time you go out drinking on a holiday, or for any other reason, repeat after me: “I am not Ozzy Osbourne. There is only so much a normal person can drink. I am not Ozzy Osbourne. There is only so much a normal person can drink. I am not Ozzy …”
JUMP BONUS!:TEDMED w/Ozzy
PPS: Even if this is [ed: absolutely freaking GENIUS] publicity cooked up by his wife Sharon, who cares? Why let the truth get in the way of such a good story? We need a few more superheroes in this world right about now. And I’m not too discriminating about which kind. You go get ’em, Crazy Train!
“unveiling of a full Osbourne genome”, by TEDMED, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and Nathaniel Pearson
OzzFist publicity photo, by Ozzy Osbourne and Sony Music Entertainment
“Wolverine”, splatter-pop-art by Arian Noveir, Arian’s work at Society6, Arian’s site, Noveir.com
• Source: Cofactor-Ozzy
• via: Cracked-Mutant Famous People
• More Coverage: ABC | DailyNews | “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.”